“Absolute Observer” goes cooking.

“Absolute Observer” has just sent us his Recipe For “the Lobby”.

The Ingredients

The Recipe

Ah, tis the season of goodwill, and many of us are looking forward to many a happy hour cooking up our familiar and traditional dishes. Today, however, I would like to do something different. Since Christmas is fastly becoming the new Easter, I thought I’d take an old Easter dish and rehash it so that, with luck, a new tradition will be born. I do hope you try this for yourselves.

This recipe has been popular for years. Originating in Russia (although, some still think it is from Prague), it has been a staple for about 100 years. It fell out of favour after about 1945 but, with a slight change here and there, re-appeared about five years ago. People who you would never think would eat it, are now queuing up to do so.

As with all recipes, make sure you use only the most unimpeachable ingredients.

I tend to look for mine in the respectable Jewish and Israeli press. The more liberal the better – the US Jewish magazine Foreward comes highly recommended. However, if one is thinking of a more Israeli theme, then, I suggest, Haaretz.

Cooking Method
1. Take a story that appears to be ground-breaking (the fact that it has been covered a million times and contains nothing new should not be treated as a problem. I find that the words “amazing story” normally does the trick; this flatters the guests by implying that it is a new and original meal, and not merely a rehash of something that has been doing the rounds for years.).

2. Force the ingredients into a mould. This part is somewhat tricky. Sometimes, the ingredients contain a bit of complexity and, without the forcing, could well ruin the dish.

3. If you notice, in the present recipe the cook has simply ignored the fact that the original Haaretz article speaks only of Republican and right-wing Jews and that, amongst these groups, there is a great deal of disagreement them(between, ZOA and ADL for example).

4.Having carefully filleted the story for anything that might stop the dish from rising, mix harshly, until what were diverse arguments, opinions and institutions are fully erased and now blended into a singular perspective. (If at this stage, any of the original ingredients are still recognisable, simply smear the singular perspective over them so that what separates one from the other disappears from view.)

Having erased all differences you should by now have the perfect monolithic “Lobby”.

5. Take the now doctored batter and mix thoroughly with popular public misconceptions. Half-bake for as long as you like.

6. By now, the dish should begin to settle.
Test with a knife.

7. If what was previously the raw ingredients of “campaign against” and “oppose”, ingredients common to the entire US political process, have now hardened into “determined”, it is almost ready. Note, this hardening into “determining” is vitally important. Without the idea of the “Lobby” “determining” government appointments, it would lose its distinctive and unique “Jewish” flavour – the very essence of the dish itself.

8 Half-bake some more.

9. It is now ready to put on the table.

Serving
Serve with stories about how you can’t even cook this recipe without being called antisemitic and how people who haven’t even tried it will do all they can to stop you from making it.

Garnish with the tale that you have made the dish for the good of the Jews and serve.

Be discerning to whom you serve this dish. Personally, I find the gullible lap it up without thinking. They always ask for more of the same.

Tips.
1.The distortion of the original ingredients is essential, since without it, the whole dish falls to pieces and you end up looking rather foolish.

2. Try to avoid using the word “Jewish”. Much better is “Israel” or “Zionist”. That way people think they are getting something new as opposed to the older, and now discredited, dish. At my own dinner parties, I used to call it the “Jewish Lobby” and found that many people found it hard to swallow. By calling it the “Zionist Lobby” or the “Israel Lobby”, my guests just couldn’t get enough of it.)

3. Should your guests complain of antisemitism, simply blame the dish (the Lobby) for not allowing them to eat in peace. Remember, if people complain, it is never, never the cook’s fault.)

4. If there is any left over, simply put to one-side. Since the dish is rancid from the moment it is made, it cannot go off and can be used indefinitely.

Happy holidays and peace to all (well, nearly all)

(Alternatively, choose the healthy, non-racist, option – simply read Haaretz.)